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Well I had the driving test yesterday but didn't make it there because I realized my fat ass can not parrallel park...I don't understand how can driving come so easy to me and I can't even fucking do it...I have to focus on every single thing..i can't even understand it...why can't i just do it...why can't I have a job...WHY when I am eighteen and be like EVERYBODY else my age and be able to take responsiblity for myself...I can't I FUCKING CAN't!! I just sit around getting stepped on an pushed aside while I have to no way to stand my ground because I am basically a child...I am so fucking sick of it...I wanted so badly to be able to drive to school...who knows now....who ever knows...I am just stupid...fucking stupid. |
Priceless, the beautiful and enigmatic Emily
The sweetest smile ever to grace this life
There she sits, with an old soul
She didn't have to but she did
She helped me from within
She listened to my gripes and quips
With a patient ear and laughing eyes
If only she knew what little she had to give
To the backward girl in jounalism class
To make her feel welcome and loved
Now that her life has struck 19
And 20 (and 21!) loom above her
She stays resilant and true
To all who is important to her
Never change my sweet emily
Never stop that precious smile
And Never stop that laughter in your heart!!
Because than I would be out of a job!!
LOVE YOU!!
HAVE A GREAT BIRTHDAY!!I feel...:  energetic |
Well I talked to em reasently and she brougt to my attention how much I HAVEN't wrote in this wreched thing. Probably because some of the people I hang out with are computer illiterat. I guess in so many ways so am I. Tired alot lately have the lowest self esteem I have had in a while. New sheilds...well not new to me but new to you...still thinking about you know who...who dosen't know...Probably never stop thinking about him...maybe because he is always so close..ahwell...I will soon be driving and I am really excited about going to Ferris next year but other than that life feels like it is at a stand still...everything is just sweeping by and I am lacking any motivation for everything...I hate these moods taht I get in...ahwell...tired just tired...tired of school...tired of what I have to see in the mirror...tired what I have to see when i go over to HIS house. Just tired....Well until next time...I feel...:  bored Doth my ears decive me?: You want it all (Lacuna Coil) |
Got in trouble yesterday for staying out all night a couple nights ago....so I had to stay home for what ever I did....but then everybody got drunk and high so I scammed twenty bucks from my mom for me and chase just to go driving....it was funner than staying at home...then when we got back some of his friends were over and they all got high and it was so funny...the shit they were saying....crazy house...party house...and I wasn't aloud "out" ok that dosen't make any sense at ALL!! Falopian TUBES!!I feel...:  restless Doth my ears decive me?: coffee machine |
FUCK!! I had like a whole page typed out and I typed the wrong button and it all deleted mother fucker...anyways I will just repeat myself....it is happening all over again...I had a few good days with just me and YOU and his friends
Sadly ry dan has a girlfriend but you are WAY hotter dont worry..
Anways then last night after ben barfelds gay party he brought home (ex bald girls) sister who looks an AWFUL lot like HER....they really didn't talk much last night but thats exactly like what happened with HER...why do I care so much? Becuase he dosen't react to no one how he does to me....because the moments I am with him I am happy....no matter how much of an absolute ass he is....he cares about me too...I am scared saying that because of my horrible jinxes but I think that may be true...But earlier he really pissed me off...like to my face I mean...because me and dickson and rhe were a little intoxicated and we went with him to tow a friend on the way there he was just cutting us down saying we didn't know anythign because we were all drunk and stupid...ohh fuck...as many of you may know I do not take kindly to someone talking down to me like I am a four year old...fuck that...after all the times I have sat with him and shit and tried to make him feel better to be put down like that...FUCK NO!! He is at a party now getting "drunk" becuase he is now a party monster again....fuck him....i want too he he he heh....On top of everthing it looks like my dad was right hot topic never called me back I am going to call tommorw...today i guess and ask them if they are even considering...just so I know...oh well it was fun to think of when it lasted...OH MY GOD...I will be so pissed (but not surprised) if he brings NEW HER back with him....FUCK THAT ALSO!!! In reality its my fault you know? It is all hopeful thinking....but then I just think about the way he looks at me sometimes and what he says....but of course I am probably reading too much into it...I wonder what I actually feel about YOU? Tired and confused heather....again....falling again...I feel...:  confused Doth my ears decive me?: Scream in the backround |
| » Can't sleep on my stomach.... |
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Sadly that is not ment to be sick....I got something peirced (not my belly button) that makes sleeping a terrible mess...It is really weird I tell ya...well before I could have told you the YOU and HER were breaking up but it seems I am mistaken...oh well...last night I had some fun with a guy who's last name is really really close to mr. Kenji's last name...if you know who I mean...YAY!! Wink wink...I think YOU felt a little bit left out too....(sick and twisted laughter on my part) I do feel bad for him though..a couple of nights ago he brought a whole shitload of people back with him and they hung out outside for until like 4 in the morning...at witch time I heard them leave and YOU never came in so I looked out the window and he was sitting by himself on dicksons truck...I went out and talked to him he was really really sad....so sad in fact I couldn't even enjoy it....something made me feel good thought he took me to the mall this morning to take in my aplication (which my father is now making me worry about becuase he says they probably wont' except me becuase I lack a drivers licens...lovely) anyways and my flip flops were making a lot of rucus and YOU was like "I am about to flip you over my shoulder" meaning to stop the noise...he he he...then last night at the party that the guy mentioned above (other than YOU) said that me and YOU looked like brother and sister or cousins and we both looked at eachother and shook our heads hard and were like "NO!" it was funny we had a moment....i am doing absoltey horrible on my diet...I don't know if I am happy or not right now...hmmm...boy do my new rings hurt!! ouch!!
Jul. 31st, 2004 @ 08:47 pm
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| » Hot topic.... |
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Well things are looking up for a little bit....slept by YOU last night got an ankle rub...YOU and HER in a fight....shouldn't be glad but I am....Then woke up this morning and I lost SOME weight proud of myself...than went to the mall to get a belt and when I walked in a girl that works there that I always see was bugging me and was like what do you live in the mall? and stuff like that than she asked if I had a job and I said no and she handed me and application and said to bring it back when she was working...i was excited...maybe...MAYBE i have a job...here is hoping wish me luck....
Jul. 28th, 2004 @ 04:42 pm
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| » YOU has taught me well.. |
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To those of you that I havent seen a while I have changed...not physically (i wish)...but how I act I now act like a bitch for all the times I have been shoved and made to feel small it is all coming up to the surface...and anger volcano if you will....so for now I will be nice only to my friends and be metiocor to everybody else because that is was life does to me...steps and tears me....signs for me being lonely...
Sit alone at the swings in the park swinging all night long deciding that, that is the place I want to haunt when I die...the swings I would like to the living to hear the smack of my flip flops at night and see me in all my fatness (since I will probably die that way) swinging my life and death away...beautiful..
Also when i am by myself I turn the radio on and the bass all the way up and lay on the floor pretending that the boom...boom..of the bass is really someones akward heart beat...like I am laying on someones forgiving chest....
When I sleep i wrap my hand around my one finger like what I used to do to YOU when we would fall asleep...
Maybe all this makes me and asshole but a lonely and odd one...
Jul. 27th, 2004 @ 05:14 pm
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| » Nicer... |
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I am being nicer today because last night when I came home from my daily swinging...YOU didn't say a WORD to me and acted pissed off and that made ME pissed off because I WAS THE ONE MAD!! But then he said something funny and I laughed and now everything is back to normal...This morning I good news that made me smile but I know I should feel good about it but I guess Re was talking with HER and she said that she dosen't think YOU dosen't like her as much anymore...DEJA FRIGGEN VU!! I kinda feel bad but I kinda don't becuase I know they will be macking out anyways I didn't have that now did I? I can't belive she already told him she loved him...I wonder if he feels the same...everyone says no...and everyone says they won't last but..hey he gets some (thin) ass and she is in *love*...so that might make this short term relationship quite lenghly...sadly for me...
Jul. 26th, 2004 @ 12:54 pm
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| » Hee Hoo!! The bitch is back |
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And surprisingly the bitch is not HER it is me...my god you should have seen me yesterday...I don't think I have ever been that mean to anyone...not even MIKE!! For those who know what I mean...YOU was being weird to me all yesterday...made him go the berville thing by himself....I am making him feel like how I felt for so long...so pushed off and unwanted...Why do I have to be like this...why can't I just accept the fact...probably because of the hoplessness I feel in the arena of my life and now doing shitty (after doing so well) on my diet....fuck...yo yo sucks! Oh god do I feel fat...Kelly might be coming over today...thats awesome because I miss her so much....
Jul. 25th, 2004 @ 09:18 am
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| » Night O' Disapointments |
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Well lets just say yesterday was not a barrel of laughs...I have been feeling like shit lately so I have been acting shitty to everybody including YOU and he was actually nicer to me because of that...I actually think he was....never mind I will jinx it...so anyways lovely HER came back last night.....Everybody went out to the berville three day event but I didn't feel like it...YOU said I could go with him b/c he didn't know if HER was coming or not but I still said no....like he cared...anyways than everyone came back here...I went up stairs so I would have to DEAL with it...then called john he was busy so he said he would call me back...I kinda wish he wouldn't...that way I would have some hope left....Well he didn't end up asking TJ becuase he found out he had a girlfriend and he is going to ferris state next month....then I found out that Johnny got some now too...oh poo...after I hung up with johnny I heard footsteps upstairs and to utter and complete humuilation YOU and HER went upstairs together...I heard bumping....that was lovely I have no were to go in this house...FUCK!!! LA LA LA LALA!!!
Jul. 24th, 2004 @ 11:23 am
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| » No chase today.... |
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Not talking about him....So anyways yesterday was fun me and ryan spent our last day together....I'll MISS YA RY!!! We went to the mall and I got the same thing I got last time I had babysitting money...a cd and a garter belt and thigh highs (I am sorry I am the surpreme advocate for garter belts I LOVE THEY!! Whoever invent the nasty "tights" should be made to where them all the time!) Ahem....anyway...Well I felt like shit last night...so I went to bed right after everyone got home but of course I couldnt sleep too much becuase I had to sleep in a room with the kid I babysit ALL DAY and then got woken up by her because Rhe and Dickson dont want to do stuff with her there....so I get to deal with it like every fucking things else....grrr..I swear it had taken me an hour to make my breakfast lol..first I tried serial poured it out and no milk....than waffles put it in the toaster and waited not knowing that it wasn't plugged in so I decided against waffles once I saw the errors of my ways so than I wanted toast and I did it again...I replugged the coffee machine but the toaster was still incapable of toasting!!!
Jul. 23rd, 2004 @ 07:42 am
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| » Over.... |
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Its done...from the drama in the beginning when I left the update about my heart beating a mile a minute until my last poem...I have to let it go...last night taught be that and I have to stope my feelings from being tossed around my little comments that are made....Last night after i went upstaire (i slept in Rhe's room because her and dan didn't want to do it with the baby in there) i waited and waited so I could talk myself into talking to YOU when he came upstairs. Finally I started falling asleep and then when I opened my eyes he was standing inside the doorway to the bathroom and I woke up and he was like "morning sunshine" much like the "morning sweet cheeks" he said to me the morning after our fist night...anyways....pathetic flashback...then I almost didn't say anything after he walked out of the bathroom and then I 2wayed him and told him I needed to talk to him...why oh why can I never fully say what I want!! I sat there and tried to explain what I was feeling and that I knew he knew that I still liked him because I was so obvious about it and he said "yeah very much so"...but after all my flapping toungue he said "Well I think what you are trying to say is you feel uncomfortable around me and HER" WELL LETS APPLAUD THE FUCKING GENIUS!! No I LIKE that, I LIKE to so you guys getting it on!!! Why its my joy in life!!
ON top of that, that was NOT what I was trying to say in the least because I knew he knew that...BUT now that I breath I realized what was I really expecting....All my roller coaster feelings come from my own sad attempt at catching things he says and thinking they mean something different...So why do I say it is over? Well we joked around for a while then he kicked me out of the room and I thought as I lay there by my self.....why do this to myself? Why let him run my mind? He made his choice and I am making it easy for him....so stop heather stop being a child let it go....instead of harping on all my old memories...I will share them so they dont get stuck in my head...
The day I heard he liked me....fanatic update
When he said people keep on telling him to aske me out
When he put his arm and me and i layed on him chest, feeling hime breath...making it real
The first night....nervy enough to make it up the stairs and nock on the door
Night on the couch after the world went to sleep..me and him playing with eachothers hands.
Our second night together...the last time he liked me.
My sad (not even a relationship) story...I can't tell if it makes me feel better or not...But...whooo...i was worth a try...
Jul. 22nd, 2004 @ 08:01 am
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| » Careful..... |
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Crystal waters that slice the night
I lay in serine wandering
Crying because of the past
When I did not feel the stinging
The coldness of your skin
The scratch of your toungue
Waters that rush down my face
Splash in my dry mouth
Sobs pulsate through the dark room
I am alone and wanting
Too weak to ask too insecure to expect
Place your hand on my cheek
Touch me just once more
I am so alone and shivering
Sparkling rivers of me are drained
Through the bleeding nights
continued from the sad days
-Heather-
Jul. 21st, 2004 @ 10:40 am
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| » mmmm...did it again |
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Should have waited until later because now I am down again, johnny still hasn't called...damn it...darn it...suck it...screw it...and everything else...hmmmm...
Jul. 20th, 2004 @ 07:23 pm
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| » Green tea and Cd's |
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I miss my happy updates...But at least I am writing this early so not much shit can make me down. I learned the SHE will be gone for awhile...that is nice. But my cousin never called me back last night about TJ....I am guessing tj said no and johnny is trying to bide his time before he is going to tell me the bad news...Oh well life is like that...and I hate it...I am such a kiss ass...I burnt YOU a cd...kill me....and its weird because all yesterday he hardly said a word to me and this morning it was kinda the same way...I just don't know....I talked to em last night, it was nice...really refreshing...I went and got green tea because I heard it is sopposed to be good for you and diets but I wonder if you can put a little bit of suger in it? Lol why do I worry so much...hmmm...
Jul. 20th, 2004 @ 12:05 pm
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| » Just stop... |
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Stop toying with my floaty feelings....you...even though I know you arn't reading this because YOU don't know I keep this journal and YOU wouldnl't even care but my god please stop...All night we stayed up. You even offered to take me somewere and I asked YOU why YOU were being so nice to me. Why play with my feelings YOU have a fuck buddy so leave me alone...What am I going to do with YOU, or with me for that matter...
Well on a different note I finally called my cuz to ask him to set me up with his friend I am preparing myself for the worst...as usual...sad and lonely me..
I haven't seen HER for two days....probably because HER grandpa just died....It has been nice without YOU and HER scromping on the couch and being all cutsey...but my whole life I have been the third wheel..I know everyone expeirences it once in a while but me ALL THE TIME!! No joke, constantly me in the corner while the room fills up with couples...drownding in puplic displays of effection. DAMN!! I am so lonely all I can do is deal with YOU because YOU know I still like you and probably will for a while...so YOU say some mean and manipulative things...and I just sit and take it because sometimes I think that is better than not being around you at all. Last night was fun...I guess no one can take that or our past away from me....Except YOU...so please just stop..
Jul. 19th, 2004 @ 12:47 pm
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| » To my friends... |
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As I was reading all of your "wispers" to my last journal I teared up and feel horrible for now responding earlier..I just wanted to thank all of you for saying what u did...if you remember that is....i love you all and I just wish that I was strong enough to fallow your worthwhile advise...thanks again...so much!!
Jul. 15th, 2004 @ 08:22 pm
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| » I am back.... |
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Well hello again everybody, I am to use a computer again. What a summer what a unforgetable and unforgivable summer. I hate couples you know that..better keep this low key....they are here....sad ups and downs I go through all day long....shouldn't I or shouldn't I...I ment to have a last wasted party today...didn't go over quite how I planned but what ever does...am I depressed or just tired? More later when safe...pity me please...
Jul. 15th, 2004 @ 07:31 pm
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| » Sick Heather..... |
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Fuck...I am so mad that my head is about to cave in. Everyone forget about me because it is infinatly possible...there is no hope for me...It is really obvious now he dosen't have NO interest in me WHAT so ever....just fuck me when your drunk....feel free to vomit if you must becuase my life is disgusting...revolting my love life or lack of it:
2nd grade: Sex games with Chris (didn't even look at me the next morning)
6th grade: Josh Denstead said he liked me (Next day acted like he didn't say a word)
6th grade: Asked Lee out, he said yes (When everyone found out made fun of me throught the rest of middle school)
8th grade: Hung out and flirted with joe all summer (Called me after and said I wasn't that attractive)
Now: HE gets drunks...gets horny...I am the only one there..so..(Then treats me like a fat piece of shit)
So what is my thesis? When you are drunk or surpremely desprete i will sufice at night...but untouchable in the morning....Fuck!! Just ONCE!! Just fucking once I don't want to be the sad third wheel, or the girl who is the only available culprit...Lets just face it I am shit...I will always be...Not fat enough for fat fetishs and definatly not skinny enough for anybody else....no pretty enough to pretend....God damn me...FUCK!!!
Jun. 10th, 2004 @ 12:11 pm
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